I think getting in touch with my masculine side was one of the first lessons I had in learning the need for balance.  Growing up in a household of women (and one poor outnumbered father), I really had no idea what boys were like.  So when I got to the age of “discovery” about this strange breed, I employed the same tactics that had served me well in my life to that date: I became a chameleon.  I became “one of the boys”.  I had many guy friends and we had a lot of fun together doing “guy” things.  I could hold my own in chugging contests or coming back with retorts at frat parties.  I even got into an argument with a major league baseball player in a bar once about his pitching record.  This, as he sat with 2 girls on either side of him who were looking blankly at me.  The problem with this scenario was that there was this other side of me that was wishing that I was one of those girls under his arm, not the one going tête à tête over baseball stats.  I was just too used to living in an either/or world and wasn’t sure how to find that middle ground.  It took a while before I realized that I had both this feminine AND masculine side and yes, there was a way for them to co-exist.

On a day like today, I am glad that I can now both enjoy watching football and painting my nails.  Getting comfortable with all aspects of myself is so much easier than putting all that energy into trying to be one way or another.  And if today I choose rock and roll, tomorrow I may be back to James Taylor.  Vive la différence!

To me, a gift out of the blue, one I would not have thought to ask for, is the perfect gift. To me it shows that the person took the time to know me and what matters to me, and took a risk in giving me something not on “my list”. I guess I just assumed everyone either felt that way, or would see it that way. However, I have an ex-husband and a few children who are of the “just get me what is on my list” philosophy of life. When I would present them with something I saw was uniquely suited for them, I would more than likely be greeted, not with appreciation, but with a look of disappointment. To them, my NOT getting what was on their list was the equivalent of not listening to them or my showing them that “I knew better” what was good for them. Although it is totally against my nature, I have learned to shop off their lists only now – and consequently receive far more positive responses in the process.

As this lesson seems to keep showing up for me, I thought it may be worthwhile for me to write a note to myself about the Art of Gift Giving…and Receiving:

On Giving:

• Take the time to find out what kind of person the gift recipient is:  one who likes surprises or one who doesn’t
• Ask if they have anything they really would like – and then get that!
• Check your motivation on WHY you are giving the gift in the first place.  Is it out of obligation, what you think you should do, is it being done to manipulate, or is it given freely and without strings or expectations?
• Leave your ego at the door
• Give what you can: no more, no less
• Give with an open heart or don’t give at all

On Receiving:

• Allow the other person to give you a gift, whether it be a compliment or an object.  Allow them their moment
• Don’t question their motivation – just graciously accept the offering.
• Say a simple “Thank you” and mean it. No “you shouldn’t have” or “I don’t deserve it”.
• Look them in the eye
• Being open to receive is a gift unto itself, regardless of what the gift actually is.  Sometimes this is actually the hardest part.

Learning to receive the gift, whether it comes in a package, a compliment, as love, or as life itself, can sometimes be one of life’s greatest lessons.  Being open to all that is and all that could be is truly a gift.  I know that although I say I love to receive presents, there have been occasions when someone wanted to give me something that I thought of extravagant and I struggled with being able to accept it.  The realization that my protests of “Oh no, that is way too much!”, or “You can’t afford that” or “I don’t need that”, are really more about my inability to receive and need to control rather than the giver’s issue, was truly an eyeopener for me.  If I am truly open not only to that kind of perceived extravagance, maybe I could be open to a life filled with unimaginable gifts.

Learning to receive graciously, openly, and gratefully is indeed a work in progress for me.  But in the words of Stuart Smalley, “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and, doggonit, people like me!”  I’ll keep working on it!

I must admit I’ve had my “Chicken Little” moments, where I allow myself to be gripped with fear over impending doom. I am grateful to say these are fleeting. But even though life “ain’t what it used to be”, I remain an optimist. I also feel that this wake up call from Mother Nature has caused me to be even more aware of what is going on around me. I don’t move blindly through life, expecting that things will be just as they were yesterday, or last year, because they aren’t. Life is now requiring me to live with eyes wide open. In fact, life is requiring me to live with all aspects of my being open, including my mind.

In addition to the obvious planetary weather shifts, I’m also noticing a shift in people. I am seeing growing numbers of people have conversations on levels previously untraveled. That which had been thought of as “out there” is now becoming the norm. Science is proving the benefits of mind/body/spirit connection techniques, such as yoga and meditation. And the children of today possess a different capacity to learn, to work, and to communicate than ever before.

So, where does that leave me? As always, but more emphatically than ever, with a choice to make. I can choose to go through my life compressed and shut down, steeling myself against the unknown, protecting myself from the “what ifs”. Or I can do the opposite and choose to be open to life, whatever that means.

I have seen too many examples of people whose lives were “cut short”. Stories of those who were here yesterday and gone today. I would hate to wake up on “the other side” and think, “Oh, I never did that, or never told that person this”. I want to move from this life having embraced each day, experiencing all that this turbulent life has to offer. I don’t want to keep thoughts or feelings inside, waiting for the “right moment”. Who knows when or if that will come?

As I step out into yet another spring/winter day, I have to give a little nod to Mother Nature for the wake up call and the opportunity to choose to live life more fully. Move aside Chicken Little – I’ve got things to do!

There are 2 other things I love about nightmares.  One is that dreams are really the unconscious mind’s way of working out feelings that the conscious mind can’t or won’t.  So I can let my nightmare deal with any anger or jealousy or rage I may be harboring so that I don’t have to during my waking hours.

But the best thing about nightmares is when I can figure out what they are all about.  Outside of all that morphing that people and animals seem to do at will, there is usually a theme and a message I can decipher, if I write it down as soon as I wake up and then take a minute to analyze it.

Take last night’s scary dream:  this was a nightmare in 3 parts.  The first one involved me going on a very luxurious corporate jet and instead of sitting and enjoying the ride, as the love birds next to me evidently were, I had brought 2 boxes of papers to file.  Yes, that in itself would qualify it as a nightmare to me!  But then, I noticed that the plane was flying VERY low over a highway at rush hour, and getting lower.  The fear of what would happen next was terrible!  before it crashed, I suddenly found myself driving a car, rather erratically.  I kept trying to get it back in control and then realized that probably part of the problem was that I didn’t have my lights on and it was pitch black outside.  As soon as I put the lights on, (which, of course, turned on the sun…), I slammed on the brakes – just in time, too, as I was dangling on the precipice of a very tall mountain.  I realized I could not move the car or I would plunge to my death.  I woke up after that one.  But then I drifted back to sleep and was presented with just a scene.  It was a beautiful, pastoral hill, with a lovely old fence delineating property lines.  I was suddenly hit with a wave of fear, as I realized that from where I stood, I could not see if there was something about to charge towards me from the other side of the hill.  I spent a minute terrorized – and then shifted my eyes upward, noticing the absolutely gorgeous scenery.  A feeling of peace replaced that terror.

Upon fully awakening, and a few minutes of reflection, I realized that there was a theme running through all the acts of this trilogy.  Outside of the obvious feelings of being out of control, there was another one:  how you experience life depends upon your perspective.  In each scenario I was choosing the negative perspective, adding to my fear.  In the plane scene,  I chose to work instead of enjoying myself.  Yes, the end could have been near, but who knows?  And if it is, why not enjoy yourself now?  The same was true in the last scene – there may, or may not, have been something about to come up and get me, and I could choose to spend my time worrying, or use that time to take in the beauty around me.  And in the middle one, it was a similar situation: I was on the top of a beautiful mountain with an amazing vista.  And yes, I couldn’t drive and get out of there alive, but I could get out of the vehicle and walk down, enjoying the view as I went.

I am grateful for the reminders to enjoy what is right here, right now, realizing too that any illusions of control in my life are just as much an apparition as those dreams.  Now, tonight I’d love to experience gratitude resulting from a dreamless deep sleep!

I’ve been struggling of late with trying to figure out why the term “work/life balance” has been bugging me.  This has been a bit of a conundrum, as I have built a business helping people to find it.  But lately whenever I hear it mentioned, or see it written up, I just cringe.  It’s not that I don’t believe in the concept – I do, wholeheartedly.  I think it is because it has become “trite” and overused.  The term has become jargon, with everyone jumping on the bandwagon trying to peddle their magic formula.

I was there in the early days, with those few of us who worked hard to bring awareness to the issue.  Cali Williams Yost is one who was there with me and is there still today, an evangelist who coined the phrase “Work + Life Fit”.  She helps illuminate the benefits of flexible working environments to employers and I give her immense credit for continuing with this crusade.  Cali’s is not a magic formula, but one born of passion and fact.  It does not make me cringe.

Last night I sat in bed with my computer on my lap, waiting and waiting for something to come to me to write.  Nothing.  Instead, I gave up and decided to try for a good night’s sleep.  When I woke up this morning, refreshed and with a smile on my face, the phrase “I’m living a good life!” popped into my head.  And I realized that THIS is what I have been trying to explain when I say “Work/Life Balance”: Living a Good Life.  It’s not trying to fit everything in – it’s living your life in a way that resonates with you.  It’s taking care of your physical body, being mentally stimulated and tuning in to and honoring your values.  When you do that, you can’t help but feel as if you’re living a good life.

Forget the balance…here’s to embracing A Good Life!  And a good night’s sleep.

My children are no help either.  Without a bit of prodding from me, I walked downstairs late one evening and saw 2 of them busily creating a few dozen sugar cookies.  “Want to help, Mom?” they asked.  Now, how can you say no to kids who are way past the age of asking their Mommy to join them?  So, I had to help.  And then to sample their wares.  Again, it would be rude not to do that.

Now they are gone for a few days to be with their Dad and I am left here with 3 full cookie jars, and 4 boxes of cookies.  They might go stale before they get home.  What is a person to do?  The only thing I could do…change my Facebook picture to reflect my new persona:

Is there a CCEA meeting in the area? (Christmas Cookie Eaters Anonymous)  I think I may need some help…

1) Know Your #1

In the movie City Slickers, Billy Crystal’s character, Mitch, is feeling lost with his life and is advised by Curly (Jack Palance) to figure out his “#1″ and put his attention there.  It is truly sage advice.  What is most important to you in your life?  Figure out what that is, make that your priority, and let the other things fall in line.

2) Pick 3

You probably have a “to do” list a mile long.  The reality is, you will NEVER get to all of them in a day.  Pick your top 3 items and focus on them exclusively.  If you have time for more, great!  If not, at least you are moving in the right direction!

3) Build Fences

I’m all for community and helping others, but there is a reason for the idiom “Good fences make good neighbors”.  It’s all about boundaries.  Unless you can be clear about what is yours and what is not, you’ll be taking care of things that you don’t need to nor should be fixing! Learn the power of the word “no”!

4) Take 5

Don’t forget to take time for yourself.  Even a 5 minute stretching walk during a stressful day can stop the flow of the stress hormones.  Your body needs this in order to keep working optimally!

5) Breathe

Enough said.  Deep belly breaths can restore you to sanity and lower your blood pressure as well.  Take a few throughout the day.

6) Go for the green and count your sheep

If your diet this time of year consists of coffee and cookies, you may not be alone, but you are far from in the shape to handle any prolonged stress.  As your mother would say, eat your vegetables and go to sleep!  It is amazing what you can accomplish on 8 hours of rest!

Janet Neal, Above & Beyond’s New Business Development Manager, is a certified life coach who has been specializing in the area of work/life balance for over 10 years.  Janet is available to work with individuals or groups or to do speaking engagements.  You can reach her at 973-509-4633.

I realized the other day that I can still operate pretty much unconsciously, accepting whatever guidelines someone gives me.  I can easily step into the background and turn down my light to accomodate the situation.  But when I “wake up” and become aware of what I am doing, I find that I can step outside the confines that I have chosen to believe have been given to me and find a way to honor both parties.  What a great feeling to be able to find a way not to limit myself and still satisfy the “requirements” of the situation at hand!

Learning to operate outside someone else’s design for your life takes courage and more importantly, awareness.  But the end result can truly be a win/win for all involved.  In truth, perhaps Steve Jobs said it best: “Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of other’s opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”

I have spent a lot of time trying to figure out how I can be so outwordly focused and selfish at the same time.  The two seem mutually exclusive.  I think it may harken back to my youth where my mom was sick for a while and I felt absolutely helpless.  It was not a fun feeling and really fed into my anxieties.  I believe I unconsciously have carried it with me to adulthood.

When my children were sick I actually did not have too much trouble with it, as for the most part there was something I could do.  There were noses to wipe, or sheets to change or rocking to be done to soothe a crying child.  Adults?  Not so much.  My medical skills are limited and my patience is minimal.  The only thing that is in high supply is my anxiety.

I think nurses are about the closest thing there is to an angel on earth.  Who can be so selfless, kind, and caring while attending to someone who is being grumpy or irrational or worse?  Certainly not me!  If I don’t see a way to be able to improve the situation, I’ll start looking for an escape path.  Those that can stay and serve are nothing short of gods in my book.

I’ve been attending to my fiance who had a minor procedure and have been struggling to stay present – mentally and physically.  Every bit of my being is looking for excuses to do something – anything – else.  I am battling between what I know I should do and the guilt at not doing it better.  The interesting thing is that my fiance keeps thanking me for being there for him.  Perhaps he is more out of it than I thought.  Or maybe its a case of my setting the bar too high . Maybe all I need to do is just be here, sitting on the bed watching football with him.

Who knew it could be so simple?  Somehow I think there’s a lesson in this…

The other benefit of manual labor is that it gets me out of my head.

While I have been blessed with a wonderful mind, I sometimes find that spending too much time in it leads to some rather twisted paths.  I realized the other day, as I was shoveling yet another forkful of pumpkin pie into my mouth, that I am even capable of twisting around The Golden Rule.  Instead of “do unto others as you would have them do unto you”, I have morphed it into “do unto thyself what you would have others do”.  As if by my doing something would suddenly cause others to sit up, slap themselves on the forehead and proclaim, “Oh THAT’S what I should be doing!”

Oi Veh.

Let me give you a couple of examples:  When I’m at the doctor’s with my kids, and the doctor asks them to take deep breaths while he listens to their chests, I catch myself breathing deeply, as if I could do it for them.  Or perhaps  in relationships I would ask questions such as “How was your day?”, hoping that someone would take the hint and ask back.  Now I have a son who needs to gain weight and I’m eating incessantly, packing on the pounds for him.  A sacrifice only a mother can understand…

I’m so grateful that I’ve spent my days off not surfing the web or paying bills or doing anything that involved me staring at a computer screen.  Getting up and moving has done so much more than create a livable space in my home – it has created a livable space in my head.

Enough writing… I’ve got boxes to sort!