I will not waste my days
Making up all kinds of ways
To worry about all the things
That will not happen to me

It was a great (bet you thought I’d say wonderful, didn’t you?) reminder to me and I found that when I was able to bring myself out of my head/thoughts and back into the moment, I really was happy and at peace.  How (you got it) wonderful! At one point, sitting at the flower bed in my front lawn planting impatients (ironic…), I glanced up through the leaves of the tree, into the bright blue sky.  It was gorgeous!  I then did what I haven’t done since, well, I can’t even remember:  I laid down in the grass and just watched the leaves softly blowing against that crystal blue background.  Ahhh….  I didn’t even worry about the people walking their dogs nearby, or the cars zipping past, or if someone was going to rush over to see if I had collapsed (no one did).  The feel of the grass against my skin, the breeze on my face….magnificent!  An instant blood pressure reducer and zen-like state instigator.  I highly recommend it!  Here is my view:

A wonderful view...

Now, as I leave the idyllic weekend behind and start what looks to be a hectic workweek ahead, I have that image and Jason Mraz’ song playing in my head.  Wonderful….

The issue presented itself when I was daydreaming one day about what could happen if my book really took off.  My ego took hold of that concept and ran with it!  Besides the obvious adulation and great wealth that I could accrue, I was reflecting on the new and improved lifestyle I’d have.  A beach home at the Vineyard, maybe an estate in Santa Barbara where Oprah and Babs and I could share a laugh over tea on the veranda.  No one ever accused me of not having an imagination!

It was about then that Jiminy Cricket hopped on my shoulder to remind me about the topic of my book:  how to listen to the wisdom of your soul.  I immediately spiraled downward, looking for my misplaced humility. How could I even allow myself to think this way?!

I spent a few penitent days berating myself for such nonsensical thinking until I happened to share that thought with a friend.  She reminded me that life was not always an either/or proposition.  Why couldn’t I be successful in the world AND deliver a heartfelt, spiritual message?  I have to say that idea stopped me in my tracks.  I realized that so often I live my life in the “OR” state, rather than in the “AND”.  I could do or be this or that, not this AND that.  What a liberating and slightly frightening idea!  On the one hand, it opens up a world of possibilities.  On the other, it opens up a world of possibilities!  The pressure!  I was presented with the reality that often I put myself in a box by giving myself the either/or choice – and often I do it because it’s easier.  What if I had MANY options to choose from?  So many other ways to fall short!  On the other hand, so many other ways to succeed.  The choice on how I look at it is up to me.

I catch myself now when I hear myself using the words “or” or  “but”.  Most times they are limiters.  Do I really want to live a black and white life when I harbor technicolor dreams?  No.  I prefer to increase the pie, to include the impossible, to embrace the inconceivable.  I can be true to my values and be a success in this world.  And won’t that be amazing when that’s true for everyone?

Age is totally relative.  I get that.  There is that physical reminder which keeps marching onward.  Then there is the mental component.  I’ve known people who act much older than they really are, based on the way they think.  I’ve also known people who act much younger, also based on how they think.  Heck, I’ve BEEN both!  Right now I’m struggling with reconciling the image I see in the mirror with the spirit that is dancing inside.  If I can look past the furrowed brow, the deepening lines, and the slowly sagging skin, I can see the sparkle still there in my eyes.

So even though I now realize that I look ridiculous when I blast the music and dance in the car – (and just in case I don’t realize it, my daughter will remind me) – I can still allow myself to feel younger.  Even much younger.  Geez – I hope this doesn’t mean I have to hang up my roller blades…

Reflections Upon Walking the Labyrinth

Do I walk with my shoes on to protect myself from the bees, or go barefoot and savor the freshly dewed meadow?

Starting over, back at the beginning.  But what is the beginning if not a place of tremendous hope and boundless opportunity?

It seems I’ve walked this path before.  No wait, there’s something new.

Even the flowers have optimism.  Beaten down by the heavy rains, the sunflower slowly lifts its face to the new day.

My soul needs to dance.  In the dance I come alive.  Joy spills forth, uncontained.  My soul needs to dance.

It is difficult to be bored.  It takes a lot of energy to do nothing.

The fog is slow to life.  Is she protecting the earth, shrouding it in secrecy?  Or lovingly holding it, as a mother with her newborn babe?

The rumbling thunder mocks me, reminds me that that which I thought I “had” to do has now taken the place of that which I want to do.

I’ve written before about this son with the laser focus and the ability to follow his passion.  He’s the one who, at 16, convinced me that not only did he need to go to a ski academy to finish high school, but one in northern California.  So his “needing” to go to China did not come as a shock to me.  He has been, and will continue to be one of my greatest teachers.

At times I am so in awe of his abilities to zero in on a goal and figure out to achieve it, that I begin to wonder where he came from.  I totally lose sight of the fact that I, too, have been known to do the same.  I know that my deciding when I was his age to move to Vermont, and then Boston, by myself even though I knew nothing of the locations, nor anyone living there, probably awed a lot of family and friends.  I know I had a few heads shaking in bewilderment, and can still picture my grandfather asking, “Now explain again….why Vermont?!”  My response was something akin to “Why not?”

There are two times when I find myself driven and focused on a goal.  One is when my soul sings to me.  The other is when someone tells me I can’t do it.  Ask my fiance or my boss about that one!  What this is telling me is that not only do I have the skill and ability to create the focus and drive necessary to achieve a goal, but I have the ability to listen and believe my intuition as well.  One is an ego-driven path, the other a soul-guided one.  I am coming to understand that the two are not mutually exclusive.  In fact, together they create a pretty impressive and irrepresible package.

I have learned that it is this “one-two punch” that makes all the difference in my being on the path to an unimaginable life.  First, I need to hear and acknowledge the longing of my soul.  Once I have that need and desire, anything that stands as a roadblock to my achieving it only causes me to be more determined, digging my heels in deeper.

So if you see me faltering on my quest, feel free to tell me that I can’t do it.  I am sure that will be just what I need to get me back on track!

Right.

So, instead I went and consulted others:  psychics, astrologers, friends, Facebook.  SOMEONE had to have the answer for me!  What I got back was pretty much the same:  you seem to have all the right pieces.  It was a frustrating scenario.

Lacking any other solution, I decided to try my therapist’s ridiculous one.  And, of course, hating to admit I was wrong and she was right, it has been just what I needed.  Take today’s insight, for example.

I was reflecting on the phrase “What you resist, persists.”  I wondered, what was it that I was resisting in my life?  It could be that holding on to that may just be what is holding me back.  Since I am a visual person, I envisioned a metal surface and “invited” all that I am unconsciously gripping to show up as magnetized balls.  There appeared a bunch of little pellets, that seemed to be minor fears – nothing of any significance.  But there was also this one very large ball.  It was entitled “You’re Missing Something”.  Interesting.  So I decided to see what would happen if I got rid of that and released it.  Wouldn’t you know that I immediately felt anxiety?  This was a part of me – what would I do without it?!  The reality of that thought was quite enlightening.  I decided to sit with the anxiety for a minute and gradually it was replaced by a peacefulness and the thought, “You have everything you need.”

Immediately my mind started racing and the “yeah, but’s” began.  “Yeah, but then why am I not rich?  Or thin?  Or wildly successful”  Etc.  Etc.

I allowed that to pass and shortly thereafter another thought came into my awareness:  “You have everything you need in this moment.”

Again, my rational mind kicked into gear.  “Well, that is all well and good, but what about the future?  I don’t have everything I need in order to get where I want to go.”

Silence.  Then the thought, “All you have is this moment.”

It took a minute for that to sink in.  Followed by a heavy sigh, a smile, and my shoulders relaxing.  Imagine what life could be if I decided to believe that.  Doing so immediately shifts me into a state of openness, creating the ability for me to accept and receive, and giving me the knowledge that in that state I will get what I need to get me to the next step on my path.

I believe the winter blues have been banished.

It all began with an app.  I have heard many friends (and a few well-placed celebrities) extol the addictive nature and virtues of playing “Words with Friends”, the on-line Scrabble game in which you challenge others to best your vocabulary skills.  Frankly, I have avoided it because 1) I am sure that I, too, would become addicted to it, and more honestly, 2) I am not sure I’d be that good at it and I do not like to lose!  So when my daughter asked to do an online game with her, it took a minute of convincing.  I agreed, in part, because it would be a fun bonding experience, and also because it is like Boggle, which is more about seeing patterns than having to admit how limited my vocabulary really is.  OK, also I figured I could win.

But as the comedian, John Pinette, says “Nay, nay!”

Since when did this child become so smart??!  The first game I played, I scored 88.  She, on the other hand, had like 388.  OK, I could dismiss that one as I was just learning how to do this.  It took a little while before I really got the hang of it and then it was all women for themselves.  Let’s just say that we currently have 5 concurrent games going and I can count on one hand how many times I have beaten her.  The first time I did win, I was dancing around, hooting and hollering, and trying to take a screen shot of the score.  She just looked at me….and went on to obliterate me in the next game.

Humbling…

I still have that passion to win, which is good, but I realize that to learn to temper it with gratitude and humility only strengthens the spirit.  And she keeps giving me opportunities to practice this!

Well, as they say, when the student is ready, the teacher appears.  Since she is off to school now, its time for me to open up the latest results and see just how smart a kid I’ve got.  And then I’ll try to, humbly, best her!

While meditating today, between the interruptions, I started reflecting on where society is today versus centuries ago.  This came about after I happened upon an amazingly wise quote from the 1700s by the 4th Earl about the value of self-examination.  As “advanced” as we are today, there are basic tenants that govern living that really are timeless.  It occurred to me that while technology can make our lives “easier”, it also adds another layer of complexity, distracting us from the simplicity of the Truth.  Getting quiet is really the only way to do that effectively.

I started thinking about how wonderful it would be to be able to shed all that keeps me from seeing, acknowledging and taking advantage of the mind-boggling resources of the Universe that are available, not only to me, but to everyone.  Sometimes it just seems so hard to figure it all out.  And then I was reminded of how I learned to swim.

I remember summers with my family spent on beautiful Lake Michigan beaches.  As a young child, I recall playing in the gentle waves along the shore, building sand castles with my mom.  And I remember “swimming”, which was really me stretching out prone, while walking on my hands.  Despite the encouragement of my parents to “just let go”, I knew that the safest thing for me was to keep my hands on the sandy bottom.  Letting go was a terrifying idea.  I am not sure when I took those first tentative releases, but eventually I learned that, by golly, my folks were right: all I had to do was relax, let go, and I was floating!  It was exhilarating!

It’s amazing how this simple lesson is still so applicable to my life today: trust, relax, let go… and float, supported by unseen forces.  If I could do it then, I can certainly do it now!

What a blessing for the reminder!  Now off to see what all the chatter was about!

Justin Bieber and Davy Jones

It just broke my heart to hear about Davy Jones passing yesterday.  It was nearly the equivalent of watching my life, or at least my early teens, pass before my eyes.  Davy was such a prominent part of my world in those days, from albums to Tiger Beat posters, to bubble gum cards.  I even had a dream that I married him.  I believe I may have worn out a 45 or two, listening to that darling English accent.  Come to think of it, perhaps that was the beginning of my fascination with men with accents.  I knew everything about him: his favorite color (I think it was blue), his birthday, what he liked and didn’t like.  He was the grooviest guy around.

Today for Justin’s birthday, my daughter wore purple (his favorite color) and of course his perfume.  Now we’re listening to his music (for the 8 millionth time…).  I can’t say a word – been there, done that.  I know my mother smiles every time I dare mention it to her.

I hope my daughter has a long and starry-eyed adoration of her idol.  I did and it was heart-warming.  RIP dear Davy.  Thanks for the memories!  And I still think we would have made a cute couple!

This thought came to me today as I was writing a gratitude note to one of my favorite authors, thanking her for sharing herself so honestly.  My intention was pure – I just really wanted to say thanks.  And then, as I saw these words being put down on paper, my ego started jumping in: “Oh my God – she is going to (possibly) be reading this!  Is it good enough?”  That was countered with the thought “Of course it is good enough.  You are good enough”, to which my ego countered again,”Right!  She’ll probably discover you from this and you’ll go on to be an inspiration to the world!”

Sigh.

Sometimes this struggle between the “voices in my head” is exhausting.  I would to live life with grace and ease, or as John Lennon said it, being able to “Let it be”.  Like the Native American story of the two wolves, I know I have choice as to which one I feed.  I can only hope that each step through the uncomfortable feelings into awareness gets me closer to the point of realizing that what is rattling around in my head is truly all in my head.  Somehow, just saying that, makes me know it is true.

Let it Be.