I turned 85 last week.

I can see it now:  Those of you who don’t know me are thinking “Hmmm, I didn’t think she was that old”.  Those who don’t know me but saw my picture may have thought “She looks pretty good for 85″  or “That must be an old picture”.  And those who do know me are either thinking “That’s a typo” or “Darn, I missed her birthday again.”  (And no you didn’t – it’s coming up in a few weeks…)

But really, a few weeks ago, on some level I turned about 85.  I almost hesitate to use that number because my Dad turns 85 and I was WAY older than him.  But you get the point.  What happened was this:  I have been struggling with migraines for the past few years and saw a new doctor who put me on new medication.  Always eager to please those in authority, I jumped at something that may prevent my being awakened at 2am with a throbbing temple and a desire to excavate my eyeball.  Besides she told me this medication causes weight loss.  Magic words!

Week one on this transformative drug was like slogging through oatmeal.  Everything was fuzzy, I felt doped up, I forgot words, and I still got headaches.  I did lose 5 pounds, which in a very sick way made it seem almost worthwhile.  I called the doctor and she assured me it was okay and just hang in there.  And after about 5 days the fuzziness lifted and so did the headaches.  I was lulled into a false sense of hope.  By the start of week 2 however I was noticing that I was just not myself and was working extremely hard to maintain appearances that I was the same old me.  I just wasn’t.  I went on line and found a site where you could put in your symptoms.  Seemed I was either chemically poisoned or pregnant. Interesting.

The first thing that was gone was my energy.  I had none.  And it wasn’t that I was physically tired – it was a soul energy.  I had no energy for life.  My brain was not firing on all cylinders.  It was rare that I could complete three full sentences in a row without searching for a word or two.  I became easily disoriented: missed my exit twice trying to get home from a place I used to work.   Details were easily overlooked:  I showed up for a networking event on time – but a week early.  Seemed to have missed seeing that date on the flyer.  All this is really not good when you are starting a new job and are trying to prove yourself to your boss during the busiest part of the season!   Between the stress of the job, the embarrassment of my deteriorating intelligence and the lack of interest in life in general, I found myself slipping into a depression.  I became a magnet for negativity in a time when the news was oozing with it.  And finally, I was hit hard  by word of my friend Carol’s death, and was teased by a jealous thought which floated around my head, wondering why she got to escape all of this.   It was that and the constant and increasingly insistent pleading from my fiance to call my doctor and get off this medication that finally jolted me into action.  I made the call and am now weaning off it. And I am happy- no ecstatic- to say I am feeling alive again!

What I learned from this experience is 3-fold:

1) I learned what it is like to be old and devoid of energy.  I really felt like I had aged significantly overnight and the disorientation and embarrassment at not being able to find common words during conversation made me want to isolate even further.  I understand that feeling now.  I get it now that when people say “Look on the bright side!” that sometimes you hear the words, they make sense, but that connection between the intellect and the feeling are missing.  I had lost my ability to “will” myself happy.  I didn’t have the life energy to do it.  But what did keep me going were two things I did still have: obligations – a family to care for, a job to do – and people who didn’t give up on me.  Therefore, I clearly see the importance of having something meaningful in your life to which you are responsible:  a pet, a social obligation, a volunteer position.  And I also see the importance of letting those in your family who are elderly know that they are still cared for and thought about, even if you can’t be there with them all the time.

2) I learned firsthand the dangers of over-medication.  Whether mine was a reaction to the drug I took or a drug combination,  it doesn’t really matter.  Bottom line, it wasn’t working and it was making me worse.  What is important is that if you have a family member who is exhibiting any of the signs that I mentioned -  disorientation, depression, changes in personality, lack of energy – get them to their doctor and get it checked out.  By myself, I would not have done it.  I would have kept going on the medication until my appointment in May, partially because that is my personality and partially because I was so zonked out that I didn’t really know any better.  Over-medication is a serious problem and you can be a huge ally in helping your loved one to get the help they need before it gets to be a serious problem.

3) If you have practiced self-care in the past, it will kick in automatically.  When I was both ultimately stressed (with blood pressure at 159/95) and disoriented and staring at a massive to do list, I instinctively knew that the first thing I needed to do was to meditate.  A 10 minute meditation calmed both my body and mind and made it easier to cope and think.  Had I not been practicing self-care in the past, I probably would have kept charging ahead, writing this now from a hospital bed instead of at home listening while sipping tea and listening to Mozart.

Life is good again.  Thank goodness!

I think there must be a mistake on my birth certificate.  No, not my parents…way too many personality traits the same to deny that one!  Not the location – definitely mid-Western at heart.  Possibly the year – most days I feel WAY younger than what it says I’m supposed to be.  No, it’s the month.  With the distinctive two personalities I’ve been experiencing of late, I swear I must be a Gemini!

There is a side of me that is very much a go-getter.  I get energized by doing more and more and love that adrenaline rush.  There is nothing more satisfying than crossing off that to do list and moving on to the next one.  I have taken great pride in juggling many balls at the same time and love the start of something new.  And then there’s the other me…

This other side is the polar opposite.  I am very content to putter around the house, doing little things here and there – or nothing at all.  I could spend hours in bed and be content to never leave my house for days on end.  A vacation at a beach with nothing to do but to read a good book is pretty close to heaven for me.

Having these two sides is fine as long as I can balance them and not let one or the other get too much control.  If the energized side takes over I end up getting burnt out and usually sick.  If the sloth side wins, then pretty much nothing gets done and I start resenting my surroundings and the increasing pent-up demands on my time.  I’ve learned over the years how to recognize when one is getting a little too big for its britches and take the steps to get it in check.  Then there are those times when their battle for control causes a complete impasse and I have a minor meltdown.  Yesterday was one of those days.

Its quite disturbing when I experience any type of conflict and especially so when it is internally focused.  The part of me that wants to do, go, be organized and accomplished was in high gear and the laid back side just wanted to play and be loved.  An image that came to me was of a person standing helplessly by the side of a highway, with life zooming past and around,  helplessly wanting someone to slow down and notice them.  The result was a feeling of complete frustration.  The fix?  Time to get back to meditation.  Seems I”ve kind of “forgotten” to take the time to quiet my mind and allow myself time to decompress and ready myself for the day ahead.

Today’s a new day and a new re-commitment to myself to get back on the beam with some necessary self-care. Maybe I’ll find after a time that I’m really not a Gemini after all.  Maybe I’m just a Ram who’d lost her focus.  I’m looking forward to seeing straight again!