FM radio in our family car saved  me from having to hear “Roll out those lazy, hazy, crazy days of summer!!”  one more time.  Don’t get me wrong – I love Nat King Cole.  But really…AM radio??  In today’s venacular, it was so lame.  Its about the same way my kids feel when they grab the cord to plug in their iPods to rescue themselves from having to listen to all those songs I like – which are pretty much the same ones I was listening to back then when I escaped from AM radio!  But in reality, my favorite thing to listen to these days in my car is silence.  I get in, turn off the radio, and revel in the quiet.

This morning I was in an hour long meeting where no one spoke for more than half of it.  OK, part of it was a meditation.  But then, the silence continued.  Usually after a couple of minutes I start to feel uncomfortable, needing to fill the space.  Today I was surprised how much I enjoyed just being. I realized that my life has slowed down in the past few weeks and how comfortable I have become with the concept of being, not doing.  I can feel my blood pressure dropping, my positive attitude returning and my overall well-being vastly improved.

As I look at the clock now and realize I have to leave for work, I am grateful for not feeling rushed or overburdened.  And you can bet I’m not turning on the radio when I get in the car either.

I turned 85 last week.

I can see it now:  Those of you who don’t know me are thinking “Hmmm, I didn’t think she was that old”.  Those who don’t know me but saw my picture may have thought “She looks pretty good for 85″  or “That must be an old picture”.  And those who do know me are either thinking “That’s a typo” or “Darn, I missed her birthday again.”  (And no you didn’t – it’s coming up in a few weeks…)

But really, a few weeks ago, on some level I turned about 85.  I almost hesitate to use that number because my Dad turns 85 and I was WAY older than him.  But you get the point.  What happened was this:  I have been struggling with migraines for the past few years and saw a new doctor who put me on new medication.  Always eager to please those in authority, I jumped at something that may prevent my being awakened at 2am with a throbbing temple and a desire to excavate my eyeball.  Besides she told me this medication causes weight loss.  Magic words!

Week one on this transformative drug was like slogging through oatmeal.  Everything was fuzzy, I felt doped up, I forgot words, and I still got headaches.  I did lose 5 pounds, which in a very sick way made it seem almost worthwhile.  I called the doctor and she assured me it was okay and just hang in there.  And after about 5 days the fuzziness lifted and so did the headaches.  I was lulled into a false sense of hope.  By the start of week 2 however I was noticing that I was just not myself and was working extremely hard to maintain appearances that I was the same old me.  I just wasn’t.  I went on line and found a site where you could put in your symptoms.  Seemed I was either chemically poisoned or pregnant. Interesting.

The first thing that was gone was my energy.  I had none.  And it wasn’t that I was physically tired – it was a soul energy.  I had no energy for life.  My brain was not firing on all cylinders.  It was rare that I could complete three full sentences in a row without searching for a word or two.  I became easily disoriented: missed my exit twice trying to get home from a place I used to work.   Details were easily overlooked:  I showed up for a networking event on time – but a week early.  Seemed to have missed seeing that date on the flyer.  All this is really not good when you are starting a new job and are trying to prove yourself to your boss during the busiest part of the season!   Between the stress of the job, the embarrassment of my deteriorating intelligence and the lack of interest in life in general, I found myself slipping into a depression.  I became a magnet for negativity in a time when the news was oozing with it.  And finally, I was hit hard  by word of my friend Carol’s death, and was teased by a jealous thought which floated around my head, wondering why she got to escape all of this.   It was that and the constant and increasingly insistent pleading from my fiance to call my doctor and get off this medication that finally jolted me into action.  I made the call and am now weaning off it. And I am happy- no ecstatic- to say I am feeling alive again!

What I learned from this experience is 3-fold:

1) I learned what it is like to be old and devoid of energy.  I really felt like I had aged significantly overnight and the disorientation and embarrassment at not being able to find common words during conversation made me want to isolate even further.  I understand that feeling now.  I get it now that when people say “Look on the bright side!” that sometimes you hear the words, they make sense, but that connection between the intellect and the feeling are missing.  I had lost my ability to “will” myself happy.  I didn’t have the life energy to do it.  But what did keep me going were two things I did still have: obligations – a family to care for, a job to do – and people who didn’t give up on me.  Therefore, I clearly see the importance of having something meaningful in your life to which you are responsible:  a pet, a social obligation, a volunteer position.  And I also see the importance of letting those in your family who are elderly know that they are still cared for and thought about, even if you can’t be there with them all the time.

2) I learned firsthand the dangers of over-medication.  Whether mine was a reaction to the drug I took or a drug combination,  it doesn’t really matter.  Bottom line, it wasn’t working and it was making me worse.  What is important is that if you have a family member who is exhibiting any of the signs that I mentioned -  disorientation, depression, changes in personality, lack of energy – get them to their doctor and get it checked out.  By myself, I would not have done it.  I would have kept going on the medication until my appointment in May, partially because that is my personality and partially because I was so zonked out that I didn’t really know any better.  Over-medication is a serious problem and you can be a huge ally in helping your loved one to get the help they need before it gets to be a serious problem.

3) If you have practiced self-care in the past, it will kick in automatically.  When I was both ultimately stressed (with blood pressure at 159/95) and disoriented and staring at a massive to do list, I instinctively knew that the first thing I needed to do was to meditate.  A 10 minute meditation calmed both my body and mind and made it easier to cope and think.  Had I not been practicing self-care in the past, I probably would have kept charging ahead, writing this now from a hospital bed instead of at home listening while sipping tea and listening to Mozart.

Life is good again.  Thank goodness!

In addition to my daily writing commitment, I’ve also commited to a daily meditation program.  And I must admit that both are going pretty well so far, although my meditation practice is more going well in consistency rather than in quality.  By that I mean that I am never quite sure what is going to happen when I finally sit down to quiet my mind.

I have had a couple of rare moments over the past years of attempted meditation practices where I truly felt like I had “gone” somewhere.  I have gained amazing insights  and been uplifted.  But most of the time I feel like I am sneaking in a quick nap.  Sometimes, like today for instance, it feels like I am at the movies.  I have some sort of scene playing out that I am watching.  Today’s was a drama with two women arguing with each other – a kind of Jerry Springer meets Jon Kabat.  Of course I can never remember the details when my “meditation” is done.

But right at the end of today’s adventure into another reality, I became aware of a voice repeating something over and over.  “Be there” was what it was saying.  Be where?  Why?  And what should I wear?  These are the key life questions that come to me in these moments.

As my dog is now frantically running up and down the stairs, trying to get my attention to PLEASE take her for a walk, I’m wondering if perhaps that voice was her doing a mind meld with me:  the park….be there….    Or maybe it was just my subconscious reminding me I actually do have somewhere to go today, regardless of my preference to stay curled up, cozy and “meditating” for a while longer.

Or maybe it was a cosmic invitation to my life.  Be there.   Hmmm….    Invitation accepted.

First there was “The Three Faces of Eve”.  Next came “Sybil”.  And now, Steven Spielberg has a new show entitled “The United States of Tara” about a woman with multiple personalities.  Well, Steve should have just given me a call because I could have given him a great story line with “The Two Sides of Janet”.  It never ceases to baffle and amaze me, at least. 

A few weeks ago I was basking in the aftermath of a lovely holiday season, resplendent in opportunities to connect with far-flung loved ones and a lot of down time.  I was having a conversation with a friend at 11am one day, telling her I couldn’t remember the last time I felt so full of joy;  a feeling of warmth from head to toe.  And I really meant it. 

At 11:05am I received a phone call from a company asking me for payment on an account I had assumed was closed after struggling with their customer service department months earlier to rectify the situation.  Goodbye Joyful Janet – hello Raging Rhonda!  In an instant everything about me changed:  my attitude, my intonations, my body language and even my physical appearance as my muscles tensed and face flushed and hands clenched.  Thank goodness it was just over the phone (although I am sure the poor finance department employee still doesn’t know what hit him.)  It was disturbing to me just how quickly I could shift to such a different perspective. 

It has been suggested to me – by many, on many occasions – that perhaps it might be a good idea to consider meditation.  A lovely idea.  And actually, I’ve done it before and found it to be a great experience.   It’s just that when you are in the state where it could benefit you the most that it seems the most improbable solution.  Like exercising:  I know I should do it, I’ve done it before with good results, and yet it is SOOOOOOO hard to get started again!!!  Thank goodness for the beginning of a year to at least give the collective heave ho towards the gym!

So back to this meditation thing…

Whether it be the still recent good feelings, the now wary looks on the faces of those crossing my path, the increase in “gentle reminders” about meditating, or that I just plain scared myself by my dramatic mood swing, I decided to give it another try.  Easing into it, of course, with just 10 minutes a day; not long enough to be considered a true commitment in case it really didn’t work out, but long enough in case it did.

 And wouldn’t you know, it worked. 

The most incredible thing I noticed from my brief meditations (besides the immediate lowering of blood pressure) was the realization that there are indeed two sides of me – of everyone for that matter.  On the one hand, and most obvious to all, is our human side – the one we present to the world, that has our feelings and emotions, hopes and dreams, worries and fears.  Most of us live our complete lives in this reality as our society and institutions are created from it.  It’s the side of us that asks the question “What if…”

And yet there is another side in each us that exists deep within.  It doesn’t ask the questions – it has the answers.  Its motto is “All is well” because it is.  The image that came to my mind is this:  Our “worldly self” is this hard outside shell (our physical selves) and our inner self is this fluid, formless entity that has no beginning and no end.  There is no worry because there are no boundaries to worry about.  The most “real” example of this entity to me was on Inauguration Day:  billions of people around the world shared this universal feeling of hope and even joy.  It was not about the man we elected but what he represented – it was that internal energy, that “all is well” knowing.  Whether you were in DC, Kenya, Hawaii or in front of your TV in New Jersey, you felt a part of that amazing energy.  There were no arrests in DC that day in spite of millions of people in city. I don’t know about you, but I have to believe that was tied into something greater.

Learning to tap into that calm knowing is part of my on-going process and experience.  It began for me with the willingness to even consider the possibility of its existence.  Giving consideration to the idea that “we are spiritual beings having a human experience” also gave me pause and opened that door of possibility a little wider.  And finding an activity which allowed me to quiet my mind and tap into that beautiful place sealed the deal, whether it be walking the dog, taking a hike or sitting quietly for even  10 minutes a day. 

Lest you think I have completely changed my ways and am contemplating joining a group of monks in Bhutan (although, hmmm, that doesn’t sound so bad…), I’m still the magical combination of Joyful Janet and Raging Rhonda, and probably a couple more sprinkled in for good measure.  What I have learned is that regardless of what face I am wearing today, inside it is always the same.  And when I succumb to the ambient fear that is threatening to engulf us, I just need to dive back down inside and remember that great truth:  that in spite of what it seems to be on the outside, all IS well.