I am a great one to ponder the reason for my existence at any particular time: why I am where I am, what I am supposed to be doing.  I can get mired in the mundane minutia of my life and wonder if this is all there is.  And I have been know to gaze heavenward on more than a couple of occasions and practically beg “What do you want me to do?”

I’m not quite sure what I expect in return.  I guess I am anticipating something pretty significant and something pretty undeniably concrete.  Preferably in writing.  (My memory isn’t what it used to be).  So far that just ain’t happening.

What I did get was this: a minister, whom I have been tolerating until my daughter gets confirmed and we can move on, suddenly preaches a sermon that truly grabs me when he starts talking about finding your calling. I find myself taking notes in church.  He quotes Frederick Buechner who said that your calling is “where your deepest joy meets the world’s greatest need”.  It becomes my new favorite quote.

When I was a sales person I remember going to my favorite client with a great idea.  That kindly soul looked at me and said “That’s a solution looking for a problem”.  I think that’s how I’ve approached finding the answer to my life question before – backwards.  Instead of starting with discovering my joy, I’ve always tried to figure out the outside need first.  It’s a whole new ballgame when I begin with myself first.

So, if I had list my deepest joys, a good start would include:

• Being a mother
• Being a friend
• Being someone who can listen and give advice
• Connecting people
• Sharing a laugh
• Writing something that touches someone

Come to think of it, maybe the world does need those things after all….

I had just finished telling my friend Leanne the long and sorry tale of the life decisions I’ve had to make in the past year and sat back to get her feedback.  Her “Wow” comment played nicely with my expectations, making me feel ever so slightly the justified martyr.  Then she added “You sound so empowered.  I also am feeling joy.  Where is the joy?”  Within about one second the following thoughts flashed through my mind: “What is she on?”, “I think she’s been living in the mountains too long”, “Oh wow – her life is worse than mine.”  and “Has she even been listening to me?”

Every so often a conversation or a phrase will serve as virtual slap in the face to me.  Something that stops me in my tracks and wakes me to a different way of looking at the situation at hand.  Leanne’s comment did just that.  It made me see my life through her eyes, instead of the victim blinders I’ve become so comfortable wearing.

I had described a situation of having to let go of a lot of things that were important to me, a forced simplification of life.  Empowerment and Joy were not words I often (ever?) associated with it.  I was too stuck in my story to see that in making the decisions I’ve made, I have taken back my power.  I now have a lifestyle that works for me where I am right now.  And everything that is in it DOES bring me joy.  I am not overly encumbered with “stuff” and am able to utilize my available resources on that which has value and meaning to me.  Who knew?!

I once wrote “Gratitude and Fear cannot live in the same place.”  If the absence if fear is empowerment and gratitude = joy, I think Leanne is on to something!  And I, for one, am grateful that she is.

First there was “The Three Faces of Eve”.  Next came “Sybil”.  And now, Steven Spielberg has a new show entitled “The United States of Tara” about a woman with multiple personalities.  Well, Steve should have just given me a call because I could have given him a great story line with “The Two Sides of Janet”.  It never ceases to baffle and amaze me, at least. 

A few weeks ago I was basking in the aftermath of a lovely holiday season, resplendent in opportunities to connect with far-flung loved ones and a lot of down time.  I was having a conversation with a friend at 11am one day, telling her I couldn’t remember the last time I felt so full of joy;  a feeling of warmth from head to toe.  And I really meant it. 

At 11:05am I received a phone call from a company asking me for payment on an account I had assumed was closed after struggling with their customer service department months earlier to rectify the situation.  Goodbye Joyful Janet – hello Raging Rhonda!  In an instant everything about me changed:  my attitude, my intonations, my body language and even my physical appearance as my muscles tensed and face flushed and hands clenched.  Thank goodness it was just over the phone (although I am sure the poor finance department employee still doesn’t know what hit him.)  It was disturbing to me just how quickly I could shift to such a different perspective. 

It has been suggested to me – by many, on many occasions – that perhaps it might be a good idea to consider meditation.  A lovely idea.  And actually, I’ve done it before and found it to be a great experience.   It’s just that when you are in the state where it could benefit you the most that it seems the most improbable solution.  Like exercising:  I know I should do it, I’ve done it before with good results, and yet it is SOOOOOOO hard to get started again!!!  Thank goodness for the beginning of a year to at least give the collective heave ho towards the gym!

So back to this meditation thing…

Whether it be the still recent good feelings, the now wary looks on the faces of those crossing my path, the increase in “gentle reminders” about meditating, or that I just plain scared myself by my dramatic mood swing, I decided to give it another try.  Easing into it, of course, with just 10 minutes a day; not long enough to be considered a true commitment in case it really didn’t work out, but long enough in case it did.

 And wouldn’t you know, it worked. 

The most incredible thing I noticed from my brief meditations (besides the immediate lowering of blood pressure) was the realization that there are indeed two sides of me – of everyone for that matter.  On the one hand, and most obvious to all, is our human side – the one we present to the world, that has our feelings and emotions, hopes and dreams, worries and fears.  Most of us live our complete lives in this reality as our society and institutions are created from it.  It’s the side of us that asks the question “What if…”

And yet there is another side in each us that exists deep within.  It doesn’t ask the questions – it has the answers.  Its motto is “All is well” because it is.  The image that came to my mind is this:  Our “worldly self” is this hard outside shell (our physical selves) and our inner self is this fluid, formless entity that has no beginning and no end.  There is no worry because there are no boundaries to worry about.  The most “real” example of this entity to me was on Inauguration Day:  billions of people around the world shared this universal feeling of hope and even joy.  It was not about the man we elected but what he represented – it was that internal energy, that “all is well” knowing.  Whether you were in DC, Kenya, Hawaii or in front of your TV in New Jersey, you felt a part of that amazing energy.  There were no arrests in DC that day in spite of millions of people in city. I don’t know about you, but I have to believe that was tied into something greater.

Learning to tap into that calm knowing is part of my on-going process and experience.  It began for me with the willingness to even consider the possibility of its existence.  Giving consideration to the idea that “we are spiritual beings having a human experience” also gave me pause and opened that door of possibility a little wider.  And finding an activity which allowed me to quiet my mind and tap into that beautiful place sealed the deal, whether it be walking the dog, taking a hike or sitting quietly for even  10 minutes a day. 

Lest you think I have completely changed my ways and am contemplating joining a group of monks in Bhutan (although, hmmm, that doesn’t sound so bad…), I’m still the magical combination of Joyful Janet and Raging Rhonda, and probably a couple more sprinkled in for good measure.  What I have learned is that regardless of what face I am wearing today, inside it is always the same.  And when I succumb to the ambient fear that is threatening to engulf us, I just need to dive back down inside and remember that great truth:  that in spite of what it seems to be on the outside, all IS well.