John Gray’s 1992 best seller “Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus” gives suggestions for improving couple’s relationships by understanding each other’s communications styles and emotional needs.  I, of course, read it and was slightly horrified to find that I really identified in most cases with the male profile.  This is one of those deep dark secrets up until now I have not shared with anyone.  While I’m on a roll, I’ll also confess that I do not stop to ask for directions either.

The aspect I identified with the most was that of needing to enter “the cave” before talking.  But my contention is that there are a LOT of women out there that would LOVE to enter “the cave” and get a little quiet time before greeting one’s partner or family, but somehow it just doesn’t work out that way.  How many mothers of toddlers out there would love just to be able to go to the bathroom by themselves without being followed EVERYWHERE by curious tots?  Some days even my adoring dogs exuberant greeting at the door is just too much.  A little peace and quiet would be just the ticket.

In many ways I think men instinctively get the concept of “balance” better than women.  Or perhaps women get it instinctively, but allow their emotions and guilt to override it.  It use to drive me crazy how my ex-husband could lay around on Sundays, seemingly guilt-free, while I was running around taking care of this thing and that.  Learning to give myself permission to relax and unwind after a busy week like he did meant letting go of expectations and resentments that were pretty much all self-created.

I was talking today with a friend whose husband is on an extended work commitment that takes him away from home for many months.  Her comment to me when I asked how that will be for her was “I’m looking forward to reading a book!”  I totally related and wondered to myself why it is that we can’t carve out that time otherwise. We’ll make the time to do the household chores, to put someone else’s needs before ours, and to attend to the feelings of family and friends but somehow shuffle our own needs to the bottom of the to do list.

My kids are older now and pretty much live in their rooms when not hanging with their friends.  So getting some quiet time alone is not nearly as difficult as it used to be.  But every once and awhile I still need to announce to any interested parties in earshot that I am taking a timeout and close myself in my room for a little bit.  These few moments of rest give me such a renewed energy and ability to handle the daily inevitable stress.

Amazing what you can learn when you open to getting the message ….even from Martians.