I didn’t know what to write today.  It’s been awhile – too long in fact.  So much for my commitment to every day!  Seems like this working life has snuck in and taken over my leisurely lifestyle.  But today I have a few minutes before needing to dash off and feel clear headed and eager to write. The problem is that I am too clear headed.  Blank, in fact.  And as I sat here, dejectedly slumped in my chair staring at the computer screen, the words came to me : “I can begin with gratitude”.

I can begin by being grateful that I woke up without my unfortunately usual headache this morning.  That I didn’t have to take the medicine that immediately takes away the pain and makes everything else mushy – like trying to push through a bowl of oatmeal.  I’m grateful for the increasingly large pile of work to do because it means we are helping more people.  And I’m grateful to have a clear head today to be able to handle it.

I am grateful that the rain and wind has stopped and that there is a beam of sunlight peeking in my window with the promise of much more ahead.  I am grateful that the gorgeous enormous Elm tree in my yard got sick and died earlier in the year and was removed so that it didn’t end up in our house this weekend.  And I’m grateful that ours was one of the homes that didn’t lose power, except for one hour during the day when you hardly noticed it. And I’m especially grateful for a fiance who went out in the storm’s fury to get me some dessert because I was not feeling great.  I’ll even forget the fact that he ate most of it.  Perhaps there’s a gratitude in that as well…

I could go on and on with things for which I am grateful this day but was just struck with another thought:  the storm has stopped.  Inside and out.  Evidently the pathway to peace does begin with gratitude.

There are inherent dangers in having a degree in Psychology.  The good news is that I have a fascination with human behavior.  The bad news is that I tend to spend WAY too much time analyzing situations and motivations, rather than taking them at face value.  Here are my cases in point:

Situation one:  Guy loves girl.  Guy wants to show his love for said girl by buying flowers.

Situation Two:  Couple is entertaining guests and goes to the grocery store for the supplies.

These are very mundane, normal situations, but I have been known to be able to make a Bic pen complicated.  So here is how my analytic mind saw it:

Situation One:  Guy loves girl.  Guy wants to show his love for said girl by buying flowers.  However, she has perfectly good flowers at home that he bought less than a week ago.  Why does he feel the need to buy more?  Is he feeling guilty for something?  And then he picks out the YELLOW ONES!  Of course they are the prettiest and healthiest of the bunch, but really, yellow?!  What is he really trying to tell me here?  Is this is a joke or is it an unconscious message? And there is red tint on the edges.. does that change the situation?

You can see how with this swirling in my head that I nearly missed Stephen Colbert brushing past me in the produce aisle.  His wife had to ask me (very politely) to move.  This jarred me out of that analysis and into a new one of situation two:

Situation Two:  Couple entertaining and at the grocery store for supplies.  Except the couple is made up of a celebrity who is acting rather standoffish.  Is this because he doesn’t want to draw attention to himself or because he is self-absorbed?  And yet his wife seems very warm and open.   So what could I say that would get his attention in a non-threatening way and yet get him to see that I am a fascinating and funny person that yes, he’d love to have me on his show some time.  Or maybe even over for dinner.  Heck, we’re practically neighbors anyway. Although I’m not crazy about octopus.  I wonder how they cook that?

You get the picture…

My challenge today is to use my wonderfully analytic and creative mind to observe and move on – not to tie me down in worry and conjecture.  I need to be grateful for what is and not wonder about what could be.  My reality today is that I am healthy and safe and having loving friends and family – and two beautiful bouquets of roses blooming on my table.  Life is good, regardless of the color.

Every so often a conversation or a phrase will serve as virtual slap in the face to me.  Something that stops me in my tracks and wakes me to a different way of looking at the situation at hand.  Leanne’s comment did just that.  It made me see my life through her eyes, instead of the victim blinders I’ve become so comfortable wearing.

I had described a situation of having to let go of a lot of things that were important to me, a forced simplification of life.  Empowerment and Joy were not words I often (ever?) associated with it.  I was too stuck in my story to see that in making the decisions I’ve made, I have taken back my power.  I now have a lifestyle that works for me where I am right now.  And everything that is in it DOES bring me joy.  I am not overly encumbered with “stuff” and am able to utilize my available resources on that which has value and meaning to me.  Who knew?!

I once wrote “Gratitude and Fear cannot live in the same place.”  If the absence if fear is empowerment and gratitude = joy, I think Leanne is on to something!  And I, for one, am grateful that she is.

A few weeks ago I was playing my ipod in my car and went to crank up Sly & The Family Stone”s “Dance to the Music”.  I heard the lyrics “All we need is a drummer,
for people who only need a beat”….and that was about all I heard.  Apparently I am someone who needs more than a beat in order to enjoy/dance to my music.  A trip to the local Nissan dealership uncovered the fact that my radio was defective and they needed to order me a new one.  Which brings me to today.

As I sat in the Nissan dealership awaiting the installation of my new radio, I was working on a post for today’s blog.  I must say, it was rather dreary.  I have not been in the most stellar of mindsets of late and it was, frankly, a bit of a downer to read.  I finished the piece and proceeded on to the next task, as the repair personnel were graciously giving me plenty of time to do everything I had brought with me (which at the time I thought would be way too much stuff).  This next activity involved editing past pieces I had written and will be compiling into a book.  As I read piece after piece, I found my spirits lifting and was amazed.  It was not that I don’t think I am capable of writing anything inspirational or motivational, but this was me who wrote them.  You’d think I’d know what they said.  But as Einstein said, “No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it”.  Truly, when I had written those pieces I was in a vastly different level of consciousness than the present moment.

Finally my car was ready and I decided to test the radio by listening to Sly Stone again.  This time I started with “Everybody is a Star”.  When I heard the lyric “I love you for who you are, not the one you feel you need to be”, it made me stop what I was doing.  Obviously it was what I needed to hear at that moment, as I’ve heard it hundreds of times before and it didn’t strike me the same way then.  I know a woman whose husband is Sly Stone’s PR agent – a VERY full time job!  Believe me, with the stories I’ve heard, I would never think of Sly as a source of inspiration!

The one thing I did mention in my discarded post (which I assure you, you’d be grateful I didn’t post…) was that I was starting a gratitude journal, now into the new year.  I find that regardless where my mind may be, taking the time to write down 5-10 things daily for which I am grateful really helps pull me out of my funk.  I am grateful to have 3 things t o add to my list already!

I haven’t had Thanksgiving dinner with my parents, sisters and extended family for a very long time.  The 13 hour drive is just too much for either side for a long weekend and as my little family grew, we started creating our own traditions.  But I always got a twinge of nostalgia when I’d call home to wish them a happy Thanksgiving.  As the phone was being passed around the table from person to person, I’d hear the laughter and could imagine the warmth and easiness of our family gatherings.  By the time I’d spoken with the last relative, I’d be feeling rather sad and wishing I was there.

Things this year were totally different and yet I never felt so at home.  To begin with, we had Thanksgiving dinner on Thanksgiving eve.  I highly recommend this practice, as it gives you the entire day on the actual holiday just to really relax and revel in gratitude.  Next, we had blended families – me and 2 of my kids with my fiance and his daughter.  My oldest stayed on the west coast with his college friend, already beginning the holiday separation process.  And even more shockingly different, my turkey was done to a golden brown and ON TIME!  In the 20 -some years I’ve been doing my own Thanksgiving, I have NEVER had a turkey done on time.  Last year it was not only not done on time, it was questionably done at all.  It was a real treat to taste turkey that tasted like turkey with no lingering fear of food poisoning!

As tradition dictates, I called home with a cheery “Happy Thanksgiving!” and my mom said “Lynn?”  Really?  My mom thought I sounded like my cousin Lynn?  This is my cousin with the strongest Michigan accent.  I guess my transformation back to a Michigander is more advanced than I thought! (see my blog “Unleashing my Inner Michigander“).  Once we had established that I was really her first born (and undoubtedly favorite) child, we chatted a minute before she handed the phone over to my father, a man of few words.  The conversation was about the University of Oregon football team (Go Ducks!) and then how he needed to get off the phone because my middle sister was lost trying to find my youngest sister’s new house and he needed to be available if she called for further instructions.  Happy Thanksgiving!

You would think that this minimal exchange would make me sadder than the usual ones, but for some reason it was just fine.  As I looked at my table, handcrafted by my great-great-great grandfather, I realized that I had brought together elements from the past and present into a beautiful moment in time.  It was adorned with a tablecloth from my Grandmother, dishes from my Aunt, glasses from my Mother, and food that was a combination of recipes from the past and new ones from the next chapter of my life.  They fit together like they had always been there.  I didn’t need to be physically with my all people in my family; they were here with me, sharing the loving moments of the day.

Thanksgiving has always been one of my favorite days of the year: the food, the family, the free-flowing gratitude.  This year it also became a time of acceptance and peace.

Meanwhile, I had a pie in the oven in preparation for the early Thanksgiving dinner we’re having to accommodate multiple family schedules. The heating contractor came in hour 4.5 of the 4 hour window they gave me and announced that I have no gas pressure and probably a leak on the line.  My other son casually mentioned he was asked to the big winter formal dance next week and needs a tux.  And my daughter was sent home from school with a bad cold/cough (yes, I got “the call”…).

I had just ushered my semi-sick daughter out the door with the dog who was going crazy with the workman in the house when my son called.  I could tell by the tone of his voice that he was not ok.  Without going into all the details, let me just say he is physically ok, he is not in jail, he is not quitting school and he is not going to be a father. (those were all my top worries…).  But a friend of his was seriously injured in a situation where he was standing in for TJ and it shook him to the core.  The realization that it could have been him brought him face to face with mortality.  And it made me wish he was flying home for Thanksgiving instead of going to a friend’s on the opposite side of the country.  It’s times like that that a boy needs his mom, and vice versa!

Needless to say, the drama of the leaking gas line, the faux-flu, and the needed tux faded from my reality.  All that mattered was that my son was ok but needed me and I was grateful to be around for him.  Getting back to basics is what true Thanksgiving is all about.

As I decided that Sunday would be a day of “want to do”, rather than “need to do”, I decided to take in the final performance and roped my daughter into going with me.  Somehow going to a local production by yourself when you have no family members in it is just short of pathetic.  Its kind of like stopping in to the elementary school holiday program after your kids are grown.  Actually, going to one of those programs would probably have the same effect on me.  Again, I should have known.

The auditorium was packed – a sold out performance.  Evidently the buzz around town was effective.  It was also the place to be if you were under 5 years old, especially if you could dress up like a princess to boot.  We got 2 of the last seats in the back and I settled in with only a slightly jaded attitude.  After all, I’d been to many, many of these productions and knew that although they were always well done, they also were always slightly “charming”.  In other words, there was usually a key role played by someone who, if they didn’t live in town, probably would not have the part.  We support our own, regardless.

It was oh, maybe 2 minutes into the first act when the tears started.  The girl who played Belle was, I believe, a Disney plant.  She looked like Anne Hathaway and sang like, well, Belle!  The beast was big and growley, Lumiere was French and flirty, and Chip was the cutest thing you’d ever seen.  I just could not stop crying.  Thank goodness it was dark in there or my daughter would have been mortified to be seen with me.  Even I was getting a little embarrassed by my over the top reaction.

What was it, besides perhaps raging hormones, that triggered this tear fest?  Well, it could have been memories of watching the VHS tape of “Beauty” about 7 million times with my first born and picturing his very serious and intense look in trying to take it all in.  It could have been when they announced they were dedicating the show to Jerry Orbach, the voice of Lumiere in the movie, and who’s son and grandchildren who live in our town accepted an award on his behalf.  It could have been watching kids I’ve known since they were tots up there doing an amazing job and hoping to be the next Tom Cruise (he too started in our town).

But what it always is, whether its watching a school play, a 4th of July parade or a video of kids singing at a basketball game, is seeing an authentic soul doing what they are meant to do.   A child who is singing their heart out because they love to sing gets me everytime.  Seeing anyone doing what they love without fear or concern about what others will think is to me like witnessing the purity of the human spirit.  They have stepped in the full light of their being and it touches me to my core.  I come away inspired and energized, ready to peel off one more protective layer and let my light shine perhaps a little brighter than I allowed it to before.

I’m grateful, especially at the start of this national week of gratitude, for the reminder that it is more than ok to be all that I can be.  And the reinforcement that our children are indeed our teachers.  And just for good measure, I’m off to watch Susan Boyle on the Today Show now.  Get the tissues ready!

Physics was another one.  I just never thought I’d need to know the how and why about the way things work.  “They happen” worked for me.  Obviously I had never been faced with moving my household yet. 

A few years ago, when I was full of life and optimism and energy, I was finishing up my Masters, finalizing a divorce, and starting a new business.  I mentioned to a colleague that I was thinking of maybe selling my house too.  In a very calm voice – probably to hide the terror wanting to scream out to me – she proclaimed, “Moving takes a lot of energy”.  I believe this was my first Physics lesson that really made sense.

I am winding up a three week non-stop moving extravaganza this week when I turn over the keys to my big 7 bedroom home and can solely focus on finding room for the overwhelming amount of STUFF in my new 3 bedroom cape.  “Moving takes a lot of energy” is, I have found, an understatement!  On all levels- physical, emotional, mental – it is draining.  It’s also a good way to lose weight, although I won’t be trying it again anytime soon!! 

 In all of the angst and exhaustion, I have also had time to learn a bit more about Physics and other subjects I never thought would be applicable to my life.  Things about volume and leverage and how moving company employees are masters at both.  I’ve learned about angles and mass and the proper way to tilt mattresses to wind them around charming and impractical staircases.  How to apply enough force and use the banister as a lever when trying to lift the box spring up and into the house via a second floor patio door.  The force that is applied when one’s moving partner doesn’t know your hands have slipped off the dresser and its entire weight lands on your leg. 

But the greatest lesson I have learned is this:  Matter expands to fit the space.  Somehow over 16 years we managed to completely fill a very large house with a lot of not-so-much-needed stuff, a fact I believe my mother is now secretly saying “I told you so” to.  If you have the space, it will be filled.  It seems Zen qualities were not prevalent in my life until too late.  

 There is one area in which this principle took on a very special and profound meaning.  I learned that I if I created a space for people to help me, they did.  They filled up the void I created with humor and warmth and generosity of spirit.  It was a matter of my learning to open up and allow the rest to flow.  And Mary, Fran, Deborah, and Regina all came rushing in to give selflessly – a lesson that has had more of an impact on me that any honors class ever did.  I am amazed and truly grateful!!

Perhaps by the time I write next month’s essay I’ll even have a better idea where my pencil sharpener may be or where that special place was that I put my extra credit cards so I wouldn’t lose them.  I do know now that if I continue to apply those physics principles and create the space for more love and goodness to flow on in, it will.  I’m grateful to be able to learn my Physics lessons now, even if I couldn’t see their purpose back in high school. 

Honors Trig?  Still not seeing it….