I think there must be a mistake on my birth certificate.  No, not my parents…way too many personality traits the same to deny that one!  Not the location – definitely mid-Western at heart.  Possibly the year – most days I feel WAY younger than what it says I’m supposed to be.  No, it’s the month.  With the distinctive two personalities I’ve been experiencing of late, I swear I must be a Gemini!

There is a side of me that is very much a go-getter.  I get energized by doing more and more and love that adrenaline rush.  There is nothing more satisfying than crossing off that to do list and moving on to the next one.  I have taken great pride in juggling many balls at the same time and love the start of something new.  And then there’s the other me…

This other side is the polar opposite.  I am very content to putter around the house, doing little things here and there – or nothing at all.  I could spend hours in bed and be content to never leave my house for days on end.  A vacation at a beach with nothing to do but to read a good book is pretty close to heaven for me.

Having these two sides is fine as long as I can balance them and not let one or the other get too much control.  If the energized side takes over I end up getting burnt out and usually sick.  If the sloth side wins, then pretty much nothing gets done and I start resenting my surroundings and the increasing pent-up demands on my time.  I’ve learned over the years how to recognize when one is getting a little too big for its britches and take the steps to get it in check.  Then there are those times when their battle for control causes a complete impasse and I have a minor meltdown.  Yesterday was one of those days.

Its quite disturbing when I experience any type of conflict and especially so when it is internally focused.  The part of me that wants to do, go, be organized and accomplished was in high gear and the laid back side just wanted to play and be loved.  An image that came to me was of a person standing helplessly by the side of a highway, with life zooming past and around,  helplessly wanting someone to slow down and notice them.  The result was a feeling of complete frustration.  The fix?  Time to get back to meditation.  Seems I”ve kind of “forgotten” to take the time to quiet my mind and allow myself time to decompress and ready myself for the day ahead.

Today’s a new day and a new re-commitment to myself to get back on the beam with some necessary self-care. Maybe I’ll find after a time that I’m really not a Gemini after all.  Maybe I’m just a Ram who’d lost her focus.  I’m looking forward to seeing straight again!

John Gray’s 1992 best seller “Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus” gives suggestions for improving couple’s relationships by understanding each other’s communications styles and emotional needs.  I, of course, read it and was slightly horrified to find that I really identified in most cases with the male profile.  This is one of those deep dark secrets up until now I have not shared with anyone.  While I’m on a roll, I’ll also confess that I do not stop to ask for directions either.

The aspect I identified with the most was that of needing to enter “the cave” before talking.  But my contention is that there are a LOT of women out there that would LOVE to enter “the cave” and get a little quiet time before greeting one’s partner or family, but somehow it just doesn’t work out that way.  How many mothers of toddlers out there would love just to be able to go to the bathroom by themselves without being followed EVERYWHERE by curious tots?  Some days even my adoring dogs exuberant greeting at the door is just too much.  A little peace and quiet would be just the ticket.

In many ways I think men instinctively get the concept of “balance” better than women.  Or perhaps women get it instinctively, but allow their emotions and guilt to override it.  It use to drive me crazy how my ex-husband could lay around on Sundays, seemingly guilt-free, while I was running around taking care of this thing and that.  Learning to give myself permission to relax and unwind after a busy week like he did meant letting go of expectations and resentments that were pretty much all self-created.

I was talking today with a friend whose husband is on an extended work commitment that takes him away from home for many months.  Her comment to me when I asked how that will be for her was “I’m looking forward to reading a book!”  I totally related and wondered to myself why it is that we can’t carve out that time otherwise. We’ll make the time to do the household chores, to put someone else’s needs before ours, and to attend to the feelings of family and friends but somehow shuffle our own needs to the bottom of the to do list.

My kids are older now and pretty much live in their rooms when not hanging with their friends.  So getting some quiet time alone is not nearly as difficult as it used to be.  But every once and awhile I still need to announce to any interested parties in earshot that I am taking a timeout and close myself in my room for a little bit.  These few moments of rest give me such a renewed energy and ability to handle the daily inevitable stress.

Amazing what you can learn when you open to getting the message ….even from Martians.