Selflessly Selfish
I want what I want when I want it. So basically I guess you could say I am selfish. However there are also many times (decades, actually) where everyone else’s needs/opinions/desires came before mine. In other words, I’m a selfless selfish person.
As you can imagine this has caused a great deal of internal conflict. Perhaps it is why I was always a middle of the road kind of person most of my life – too complicated to choose one side or the other. Compromise may be the name of the game, but as you may imagine, this is not an easy solution for either side of my persona. My selfish side doesn’t want to give any ground and my selfless side feels guilty and unworthy of doing the same. It’s a Freudian conundrum.
I’ve had to make decisions in the past few days which strongly invoke this schizoid personality. Whether it be for a career decision or a relationship issue, the result is the same: I am frustrated regardless of the outcome. Perhaps this is just another reason I abhor most of the winter months: it’s gray. I do black and white – I don’t do gray easily. Outside of my hair, it’s definitely not my favorite color/shade.
As I go through this week I am going to work hard to be comfortable with being uncomfortable. I certainly think I’m worth it (but then again, so are you…).
Tags: selfish, selfless, uncomfortable feelings