One of the more lofty and heartfelt goals in my life is to be a conduit for the goodness of the Universe.  The thought of being a messenger of “Divine Directives” just gives me goosebumps.  I have worked hard to learn to both quiet my mind to “hear” them and then to trust my intuition when I “feel” them.  And it was during a recent meditation that I was gifted with an awareness about this whole aspect of “conduits”.

Whenever I hear the word “conduit” I immediately flash to PVC piping.  I believe this is from years of remodeling houses in our spare time and living with exposed PVC piping for many of them.  The concept is very simple – a tubular device that allows some type of substance to pass through, creating a direct line to its destination.  There are 3 aspects to the use of the conduit:  the input, the conduit passageway, and the output.  Got it.  Or so I thought.

I realized that, as I said before, I’ve worked to perfect my input by getting myself into a position to receive.  I’ve read that these divine messages are kind of like radio waves:  they are constantly swarming around us, invisible and unrecognizable to most, and it is only with a receiver that you can pick them up.  And not all receivers will pick up the same waves/messages, just like you can’t access AM signals if you have an FM receiver.  (Or perhaps I am dating myself and should say “HD vs non-HD”…)  Anyway, through meditation and other vehicles I have learned to “receive” some messages, although most times it shocks me when I actually do.  And through all of my teaching and coaching training I have learned to deliver a message pretty well.  I just realized, however, from one of those “shocking” messages I’ve recently received, that I am maybe not quite so great at the middle part.

It all boils down to this:  if I’m going to be the mouthpiece, perhaps I need to remember that it’s the MESSAGE that’s important, not me.  I came to realize that many times I’ll get an idea/message, and then sit on it and I try to figure out what to do with it.  As in, how do I put the right spin on it?  But thinking about that PVC example, I don’t seem to recall any piping taking in a substance, deciding what the outcome really should be and then spitting it out.  I am not sure why I feel I need to massage the information to make it seem more…what?  Pretty?  Acceptable?  Interesting?

On rare occasions I have allowed myself to simply be the conduit and it always surprised me when the person on the receiving end knew what I was saying, even when I didn’t.  I recall just mentioning a single word to a client once because I couldn’t get it out of my head.  Of course I had to apologize in advance to save face, just in case she thought I was totally bizarre.  But she absolutely knew what it was about and thanked me profusely for it.  Still to this day I have no idea how that happened, but am grateful that it did.

My first try at this new “conduit” idea is actually this blog.  I have no idea if this means anything to anyone but somehow I get the ideas for the entries and feel compelled to write them down.  Not seeing your faces as you read it does shield my ego a bit, but its good practice for me to learn to trust and move forward on my path, PVC piping and all.

I have found the trick to getting a teen that is seemingly permanently tethered to his video games out of his room:  Take him to Costco. 

I have tried all sorts of enticements in the past:  shopping for new clothes, dinner at a favorite restaurant, or a walk in the park with the dog.  Nothing seemed to work and I was pretty much at the point of accepting the fact that the days of his being my little buddy were nothing but a sweet memory.  So yesterday when I stuck my head in his room to tell that we were going to Costco – and then casually added “Would you like to go?”  I had absolutely NO expectation that there would be any interest, let alone any response!  I had to ask twice if he had really heard me correctly, and vice versa. 

Back in the day when my kids were little, they certainly had their fair share of toys and games that they loved.  But their favorite thing to play with was a big cardboard box from some kind of appliance.  We had a great fort/playhouse on our porch for a while that they had fashioned and spent hours of imaginative play in it.  The trip to Costco was nearly the same.  When my son walked in, awed by the vastness and variety, he said “if I ever had to be stuck in a store overnight, this would be the one I’d like to be stuck in”.  You could see the wheels turning on what an adventure that would be! 

We wandered around with the kids (my son, my daughter, and my fiancé) acting as if we had gone back in time about 10 years and they were in Toys R Us.  I had to shepherd them away from the things we weren’t there to buy and try to herd them towards the things we were.  Every corner held a new excitement:  food samples!  I swear you’d think I never fed them.  At one point I was patiently waiting for my two biological children while they stood in line to get pizza samples (the third adult-child was off exploring something and I gave up trying to corral him).  My kids both looked over at me and smiled with this excited little smile and I swore if I didn’t know where we were, I would have thought we were waiting for them to see Santa!  Priceless!

I get so caught up in trying to figure out how to give my kids what they need sometimes that I forget that it really is very simple.  A warm home, a warm meal and a warm heart will probably give them most of what they need.  My son’s 17^th birthday is coming up soon and I’ll going to make sure I give him all those things…and maybe a trip to Costco and a cardboard box just to spice it up!

I have been dessert free for almost a week now.  I’d say I was sugar-free but that would be stretching it.  Being dessert free is a rather large accomplishment for me as I have been shoveling handfuls of cookies into my mouth daily (hourly) for weeks.  I am now into the fat pants. Actually, they are even uncomfortable.  I was just feeling really good about sweatpants when a friend reminded me of a Seinfeld episode where George Costanza said that wearing sweatpants in public is like saying you’ve given up.  I’m not quite there, thank goodness.

Back in November I was writing about needing to get back into shape.  And I was doing REALLY well – for about a month until Thanksgiving came and I convinced myself that one, well, maybe two, slices of pie wouldn’t be that bad.  Then the annual Christmas cookies arrived from Mom (God Bless her!) and my daughter wanted to make our own – for tradition sake, of course.  There went the best of intentions.  As my friend Lisa Parry recently said, “Have you ever talked yourself into a bad habit that you know isn’t good for you? (Justified it)  Then when you’re ready to let it go you get someone else to talk you back out of it.  What funny creatures we are!”

I am not sure why I am the type that needs to let things get really out of hand before I’ll do something about it.  I’ve had people I’ve coached ask me how many times will it take before they learn their lesson and all I can reply is “as long as it takes”.  In any situation the choice is between what offers the greater reward or the least pain.  As long as my pants were comfortable, I could “justify” one more cookie.  Thank goodness I decided to stop before the sweats got too tight!

So this week the desserts.  Next week the breads.  I have to play these mind games with myself, taking out one thing a week, or I start to panic.  I could do the desserts just fine and don’t anticipate the bread being too bad.  And if I keep moving in this positive direction, in a few months I’ll be strutting the beach in my bikini again.  Hmmm…that in itself makes me grateful its winter!

I had just finished telling my friend Leanne the long and sorry tale of the life decisions I’ve had to make in the past year and sat back to get her feedback.  Her “Wow” comment played nicely with my expectations, making me feel ever so slightly the justified martyr.  Then she added “You sound so empowered.  I also am feeling joy.  Where is the joy?”  Within about one second the following thoughts flashed through my mind: “What is she on?”, “I think she’s been living in the mountains too long”, “Oh wow – her life is worse than mine.”  and “Has she even been listening to me?”

Every so often a conversation or a phrase will serve as virtual slap in the face to me.  Something that stops me in my tracks and wakes me to a different way of looking at the situation at hand.  Leanne’s comment did just that.  It made me see my life through her eyes, instead of the victim blinders I’ve become so comfortable wearing.

I had described a situation of having to let go of a lot of things that were important to me, a forced simplification of life.  Empowerment and Joy were not words I often (ever?) associated with it.  I was too stuck in my story to see that in making the decisions I’ve made, I have taken back my power.  I now have a lifestyle that works for me where I am right now.  And everything that is in it DOES bring me joy.  I am not overly encumbered with “stuff” and am able to utilize my available resources on that which has value and meaning to me.  Who knew?!

I once wrote “Gratitude and Fear cannot live in the same place.”  If the absence if fear is empowerment and gratitude = joy, I think Leanne is on to something!  And I, for one, am grateful that she is.

I am superstitious enough that when I hear that tonight will be a “blue moon”, I feel the need to consult some power higher than myself to understand what this means.  If I had access to the internet here at this Starbucks (ahem….) I’d probably look at Wikipedia to see what that means.  Instead, earlier today I looked up my horoscope.  Now I’m all set for the year ahead. 

Here’s the blessing in getting older:  I have horrible short term memory and can’t remember anything I read an hour ago.  This way I can say I consulted my horoscope but am not bound by it, as I couldn’t tell you what it says!  I know it was something about being introspective, but then again, who isn’t at this time of year?  I think I share this feeling with many others, based on Facebook statuses I’ve been reading: that I’d prefer NOT to dwell on the past year and just run into something new.  Anything new.  2009 was the year that will be talked about in the same way I talk about the blizzards of 2005-06:  a thank-goodness-it’s-over and we lived through it!

But just in case that introspection thing has some merit – and wishing not to repeat history – I’ll take a look at what I learned this past year:

• Timing is everything
• Never forget to count on Murphy’s law
• Have faith in friends as they will get you through
• A puppy kiss takes away all kinds of pain
• Trust your first impression
• There are many levels to Love
• Give yourself time to grieve
• Open up to possibilities and they appear
• If you believe you can, you can
• The sun will come out tomorrow….

Here’s to a wonderful year end and fabulous New Year!!!

I took myself to the movies today to see “It’s Complicated”.  What a good decision.  Actually it wasn’t so much about the movie, although I did enjoy it, but that I trusted my gut decision on it.  I had wanted to see it since seeing the previews and, being a fan of 4 of the major characters, I figured it was a sure bet.  My 14 year old daughter was also wanting to go, as “Jim” from The Office is in it and we are big Office fans.  I just had a feeling it wasn’t quite right for her.  Then I toyed with the idea of taking my fiance, but as we have never gone to the movies together in over 2 years, I figured a “chick flick” was not going to be a big draw for him.  It would have been a good girlfriend movie, but everyone was busy.  So I went alone, and I am glad I did!

Perhaps it is the time of year or time of life, but I think I cried on and off throughout the whole thing.  The movie hit more than a couple of my buttons.  And anytime they are showing family….well, that does it.  I realized this week as I was out for dinner with my fiance’s daughter, sister, and brother-in-law that I am a sucker for family.  There is something about people who know you your whole life, know all your foibles and successes, and still want to be around you.  Granted, not all families get along and not everything is nice and pretty all the time, but there are those slivers in time when the oneness of family shines through and it is to me a truly blessed and sacred time.

My family is far flung but in the past year we’ve made great strides in reconnecting.  Facebook has allowed me to connect with European relatives, to start/restart a relationship with a cousin’s daughter, and to get closer to my sister.  And my Mom and Dad actually got cell phones for Christmas (they still have a rotary phone in the basement).  Who knows where this will lead??

My kids are on their way home now from a vacation with Dad.  We’re planning a “pre-celebratory” dinner tonight before my oldest heads off in the morning to attend the Rose Bowl (Go Ducks!)  We’ll share a meal and I am sure lots of laughs.  I just hope I got all my crying out of the way…

Inspiration can come from the strangest places.  Today my inspiration was a combination of a Nissan Dealership, Sly Stone – and me!  Let me explain….

A few weeks ago I was playing my ipod in my car and went to crank up Sly & The Family Stone”s “Dance to the Music”.  I heard the lyrics “All we need is a drummer,
for people who only need a beat”….and that was about all I heard.  Apparently I am someone who needs more than a beat in order to enjoy/dance to my music.  A trip to the local Nissan dealership uncovered the fact that my radio was defective and they needed to order me a new one.  Which brings me to today.

As I sat in the Nissan dealership awaiting the installation of my new radio, I was working on a post for today’s blog.  I must say, it was rather dreary.  I have not been in the most stellar of mindsets of late and it was, frankly, a bit of a downer to read.  I finished the piece and proceeded on to the next task, as the repair personnel were graciously giving me plenty of time to do everything I had brought with me (which at the time I thought would be way too much stuff).  This next activity involved editing past pieces I had written and will be compiling into a book.  As I read piece after piece, I found my spirits lifting and was amazed.  It was not that I don’t think I am capable of writing anything inspirational or motivational, but this was me who wrote them.  You’d think I’d know what they said.  But as Einstein said, “No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it”.  Truly, when I had written those pieces I was in a vastly different level of consciousness than the present moment.

Finally my car was ready and I decided to test the radio by listening to Sly Stone again.  This time I started with “Everybody is a Star”.  When I heard the lyric “I love you for who you are, not the one you feel you need to be”, it made me stop what I was doing.  Obviously it was what I needed to hear at that moment, as I’ve heard it hundreds of times before and it didn’t strike me the same way then.  I know a woman whose husband is Sly Stone’s PR agent – a VERY full time job!  Believe me, with the stories I’ve heard, I would never think of Sly as a source of inspiration!

The one thing I did mention in my discarded post (which I assure you, you’d be grateful I didn’t post…) was that I was starting a gratitude journal, now into the new year.  I find that regardless where my mind may be, taking the time to write down 5-10 things daily for which I am grateful really helps pull me out of my funk.  I am grateful to have 3 things t o add to my list already!

Being a baseball fan, I know that if you bat .500, you are doing really, really well.  My grandfather, Harry E. Potter (yes, he is the REAL and ORIGINAL Harry Potter, without the lightning bolt scar and wizardry, of course), was a semi-pro baseball player who batted .500 one season.  An admirable accomplishment and one rarely attained.  So why doesn’t this sense of pride at doing half of something really well translate into other aspects of life?

Take today, for instance.  I had 4 things on my “to do” list:  1) get through my pile of pending items on my desk, 2) do the usual core things:  meditate, exercise, write, 3) write my Christmas letter, and 4) mail Christmas packages.  I pulled off .500.  Somehow I’m not feeling really proud of it though. 

Part of the problem is my expectation.  I expect that I should get through the pile of things to do, lumping them all into one category.  The reality is that there were at least 3 items in there that took significant time to complete.  So does item #2.  If I wanted to, I could cut myself some slack and acknowledge that I REALLY accomplished far more than 4 things today!

My challenge is either to be more realistic with my goal (I thought 4 items was doable but perhaps that was the optimist in me talking…) or to learn to congratulate myself on all that I DID accomplish.  Either would work but I have a feeling if I concentrated on the latter it would help me a bit more overall. 

Or maybe learn to be happy with .500.  Right…..

I want what I want when I want it.  So basically I guess you could say I am selfish.  However there are also many times (decades, actually) where everyone else’s needs/opinions/desires came before mine.  In other words, I’m a selfless selfish person.

As you can imagine this has caused a great deal of internal conflict.  Perhaps it is why I was always a middle of the road kind of person most of my life – too complicated to choose one side or the other.  Compromise may be the name of the game, but as you may imagine, this is not an easy solution for either side of my persona.  My selfish side doesn’t want to give any ground and my selfless side feels guilty and unworthy of doing the same.  It’s a Freudian conundrum.

I’ve had to make decisions in the past few days which strongly invoke this schizoid personality.  Whether it be for a career decision or a relationship issue, the result is the same: I am frustrated regardless of the outcome.  Perhaps this is just another reason I abhor most of the winter months:  it’s gray.  I do black and white – I don’t do gray easily.  Outside of my hair, it’s definitely not my favorite color/shade. 

As I go through this week I am going to work hard to be comfortable with being uncomfortable.  I certainly think I’m worth it (but then again, so are you…).

How not to network:  walk by someone, read their name badge, scan them up and down, keep walking. 

I attend many networking events and cannot believe the mannerisms of some of the people at them.  The vast majority at these events are seasoned networkers and know how to “work the crowd”.  But you can spot the “what’s in it for me” types across the room.  It almost makes me want to stop them, make them talk to me, and then not ask for their business card.  Fortunately there are others who actually make eye contact and know how to carry on a conversation, at least enough to distract my vengeful thoughts.

Today as I was walking down a bustling New York street en route to the event, I was bored with the usual unaffected attitude I don as soon as I cross the Hudson.  I decided to be bold and daring and actually LOOK at the people passing by.  Better yet, I’d make eye contact and smile.  Even the thought of such a radical idea brought a devilish grin to my face.

The first thing I noticed was that I was about the only person actually looking at other people.  Definitely the only one smiling.  I received a gracious nod from a very interesting looking man who I think was once Heidi’s grandfather in the Swiss Alps.  I got a “have a great day” from a news vendor.   And I think I may have frightened a few others who don’t quite know what to do with that kind of human contact on the streets of New York. 

I entered the networking event still smiling.  After a beeline to the coffee, I found a good spot to position myself, and started the meeting and greeting.  I was speaking with another woman named Janet (interestingly, there were 4 Janet’s at this event that I know of – I believe it is a new record), when the aforementioned mood crasher sauntered by.  It is amazing how a subtle movement can unravel a moment. 

My choice today is whether to let that woman rent space in my head or to focus on the more positive aspects of the day.  Perhaps I’ll continue my social experiment and keeping smiling.  At least I know I’ll feel better for it.