On church on Sunday I was asked to do several parts of the service, including writing and reading my own prayers.  Just call me “Pastorette Neal”.  I had successfully managed to avoid being called on to do this duty for the past 12 years, the equivalent of avoiding eye contact and staying under the radar the entire time your kids are in school.  This is not an easy task for someone who loves the spotlight, mind you.  It illustrates the skill I have learned very effectively: how to make myself invisible in close quarters.  It must have been that Facebook birthday greeting I sent to the organizer that brought me back into their consciousness.  That’ll teach me!

This was not a difficult task for me, or so it looked on paper.  I actually had done it once before and didn’t remember any lasting trauma from it.  Besides, if I could sing Latin with the choir in front of the congregation, reading words I had written myself was going to be a walk in the park.

Writing the prayers were more difficult than I thought.  For one, I was trying to think of how they usually sound and realized I either have a very limited memory, or I am totally not paying attention during the service.  I believe that although those are both true, the latter is really the issue.  The only thing that comforted me was that if I wasn’t really paying attention, probably others weren’t as well, and they probably wouldn’t start listening with me.

The second issue is that my views have, shall we say, strayed from the traditional Presbyterianism.  Over the years I have spent time in California (enough said) and obtained a Masters in Spiritual Psychology.  My beliefs are founded on my traditional church upbringing, liberally sprinkled with beliefs pulled from a variety of global spiritual sources.  I didn’t think that my staid Presbyterian cohorts would react quite so positively to my message if I kept saying I was “sending them Light and Love”.  So the challenge became how to express myself within the comfortable confines of the institution who asked me to do this service.

Lastly was that issue of logistics.  I couldn’t even remember when we stood or sat, which chair I was supposed to use (there were 2 chairs up front – did it matter which one I sat in?), and what if I forgot my reading glasses?!  Fortunately I typed it in large enough font to avoid that issue and the minister graciously let me know when do the rest.  The only thing I forgot was to ask the congregation to stand before I launched into my 1st responsive reading, leaving many looking bewildered and very few actually chiming in with the group response.  One or two words that were stumbled over and then I got my sea legs and it was smooth sailing from there on out.

At the end, when I was in the “receiving line” greeting the congregation on their exit from the sanctuary, people said “Nice job”, and I responded with “Well, except for that beginning…”  I finally realized how I was discounting myself after hearing myself say it for the 5th time.  A simple smile and “Thank You!”  would have been the appropriate response. Why is that I feel the need to put myself down instead of stepping into my greatness?  Why am I so uncomfortable with being acknowledged for doing a good job – is it feeling that I am making someone else feel bad in the process or do I feel I am undeserving of the praise?  I know I still harbor some very old belief that it is wrong to think highly of yourself – a belief that just may have its origins in the very institution I was now representing.  Perhaps this exercise was a way for me to learn to let that mislearned lesson go.

I don’t think I’ll be running out and signing up for seminary anytime soon, but I am sure I’ll be doing a presentation of some kind in the near future.  I’m going to make sure that I acknowledge the good work I have done, letting go of anything that doesn’t meet an unrealistic view of perfection.  And if anyone happens to give me a compliment, I’ll remember to answer with a simple “Thanks!”  And maybe I’ll throw in a little “light and love to you”,  just for good measure!

Tags: accepting compliments, making yourself invisible, Presbyterian church, stepping into your greatness

This entry was posted on Monday, January 25th, 2010 at 11:17 am and is filed under personal growth. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.