I once had a massage by a large Eastern European woman whose previous occupation I think was either a prison camp guard or Olympic weight lifter.  My already tense muscles clenched even tighter just at the anticipation of what she was going to do to me.  She started by taking her gargantuan thumb, applying it directly on my triple-knotted shoulder muscle, and holding it there…and holding it there…and holding it there.  A steady pressure that was unrelenting. I tried to resist it, tried subtly to maneuver myself away, but to no avail.  Finally I realized that I had no other choices, my shoulder muscle cried “Uncle!” and it relaxed. 

Life has seemed like a giant thumb to me lately and I have been fighting the pressure every step of the way.  As my friend Mary noted, if there was a theme song for my life in the last year it would be “What a Long Strange Trip It’s Been”.  There are moments when it becomes so ridiculous that I cry a symbolic “Uncle!” and look around me in amazement.  Perhaps that is the lesson for me. 

I am lucky to have the time to get away for a few days for a reflective retreat.  My saying I am “lucky” is a somewhat new perspective.  Up until very recently I have been focusing on what I DON’T have, spending a lot of time in comparisons to what I used to have or could have had.  Even this retreat center – I find myself comparing it to another place I’ve gone in the past and saying things like “it’s not as laid back”, “it’s more commercialized”, “it’s more or less than…”  Then I feel that thumb coming down and it shocks me back into releasing and seeing where I am, what I am doing and what I have RIGHT NOW.

Right now I’m sitting outside on a hill, overlooking the Berkshire Mountains, still shrouded in their early morning fog.  The sky is a glorious blue, freshly washed clean from the rumbling thunderstorms of last night.  I have the day ahead of me to do with what I want.  My focus is not on “no job”, but on “have the gift of time”.  My life is not “downsized”, but “open to possibilities”.  I am not a “victim of circumstances” but an “adventurer, grateful for the journey”.

I was given some sage advice recently:  be a leaf, not a salmon.  A leaf in the stream goes with flow.  It takes advantage of what is being offered to it and experiences all the twists and turns, highs and lows of the journey.  The salmon has a mission – to get upstream and spawn. It is focused and goes against the stream – and achieves its goal.  And then…it dies.  I know my choice. 

When I feel that pressure building and the thumbprint of life starts making its slow and steady descent upon me, I am choosing to release into it, being open to what else it is that may be ahead for me.  It may not be what I had planned, but then again, a “long strange trip” may be just what this adventurer needs.  I hope to see you somewhere along the way!