It was about six weeks ago that I had the cutest, smartest, most perfect puppy.   Then I started Puppy Kindergarten.  It was there that I learned what my puppy was supposed to be like – and she changed before my eyes.  Gone was the amazing creature I had brought in the training center.  She had been replaced by a nervous and unsocial animal who, if I didn’t act quickly, might develop some fairly obnoxious and potentially dangerous habits. I guess ignorance was truly bliss!  

Ever since my consciousness-raising classes in the high school where we rigorously worked to debunk the labels ascribed to toys as to which were appropriate for girls and which were for boys, I have been acutely aware of the dangers of blanket statements about a person, place or thing.  I prided myself on the fact that when I was a teacher I refused to read the students “permanent records” prior to getting to know them, lest I might be influenced by what others thought.  And I worked diligently to avoid using any kind of pigeon-holing term when referring to my children, lest I stifle their individuality.    

Yeah, yeah, yeah.  I am here to say now that my best intentions, while honorable, only served to mask the truth.  I am a human being.  I am subject to the same desires and influences as the next person.  And if there is someone whom I think knows more than me, well, then, I guess they must be right and I’ll accept their labels too.  So my darling little pup became a potential threat if I didn’t deal with it now.    

As usual, I dove into the responsibility.  We practiced our “sits” and “downs”.  We visited places with strange people and animals to make her more comfortable around strangers.  We walked and stopped when she tugged, taking an inordinate amount of time to circumvent the block.  And she did very, very well.  (OK, with appropriate apologies to the high school baseball team:  I forgot she has this ball fetish….)    

I returned to puppy kindergarten the next week beaming with pride and willing to throw off that label and show them a thing or two.  And she was great!  I was again, the very proud “parent”.  

There is a saying that expectations are premeditated resentments. 

The following week I returned expecting Lily to be the star student again.  Perhaps it was the alignment of the planets, or that she’d had a bad dream and hadn’t slept well, or maybe that she was just reflecting her master’s unfocused nature of the moment, but she was terrible.  I was NOT happy.  I had such expectations of her being a certain way and BAM!  She certainly gave me reason to be angry with her.  That unconditional love nonsense flew right out the window.  

Which then makes me reflect on the rest of my life….    

If I look back at the times in my life where I was the most upset, I can probably find the expectation I held that created it.  If I could replay that scenario again, without the expectation, most of the “justified” indignation disappears.    

I find that relationships of any kind are ripe with expectations.  There are roles we are expected to play, goals we are expected to meet and things we are expected to do.  I can think back to when my kids were babies and I just loved them – nothing more, nothing less – both because I didn’t have any experience in this area but also that I didn’t have any expectations for their behavior.  But when they hit a certain point I became guilty of expecting perhaps something that could not help but cause angst if not anger and something a few blocks south of unconditional loving.   

I find it the same in a love relationship:  in the beginning there are no expectations.  There is joy in the getting to know and celebrate who the other person is.  Each nuance is a wonderful surprise unfurled and love abounds in the discovery.  My challenge is in learning how to cross over into that next phase without setting up the hurdles for my partner to jump over along the way.    

As I look at my still adorable pup snoozing on the hearth in front of me, I am grateful and amazed at all this little (and growing like a weed!) creature has taught me in a few short months.  I somehow don’t think she is chatting with the other dogs in the neighborhood and comparing notes on how great or lousy a master I am.  And if she is, those ”I can’t love you enough!” kisses in the morning when she greets me are even more of an example of what unconditional love is all about.  I “expect” she’ll be teaching me even more on our journey together.