A Mother of a Tantrum
Tuesday, May 27th, 2008
It is interesting how in a month where we celebrate Mothers – and frankly I was looking forward to being honored – I found myself acting less like a mother and more like a scary resemblance of my children when they were much younger. Ok, basically I was throwing a tantrum. Debbie Ford calls it our “shadow side”. I call it just plain ugly.
Everything just seemed too much: too much pressure, stress, too many things to do, too many bills. I have concerns about the environment, politics, natural disasters, and laundry…and I haven’t even dared try on my bathing suit yet. I believe that might put me over the edge.
There was no particular instance, no unkind word or rebuffed remark that triggered this. It seemed to sneak up on me, particularly when I am tired or feeling vulnerable. That wall of strength I normally carry becomes a mound of sand. The Good Girl in me is appalled by this aberration, by the thoughts and feelings that are spewing forth. But frankly, the ugly side of me could really care less. It’s tired of lurking in the background and wants its time to shine. God forbid you try to give me advice during this time. You know the expression “Hell hath no fury than a woman scorned”? Wrong. Hell hath no fury like a grown woman throwing a tantrum whose ugly side wants its day! A truck driver would recoil in horror at the things bombarding around in my head. Once during one of these lovely episodes years ago I walking through the old, not-family-friendly Times Square and I actually made a lecherous patron of a XXX theatre step back in shock when his none too complimentary comment to me was met with a particularly threatening “Drop Dead NOW” stare.
Besides the obvious targets, loved ones seem to be the other favorite. You think you love me? Well, try this one and THEN tell me what you think. To top it off, I was watching the ever calm and smiling Michelle Duggar, mother to 17 children, announce to her happy clan on national TV that they will soon have an 18th sibling. This woman also home schools her kids. Words cannot describe the shock and disbelief that raged through me. She is either insane or on massive drugs. As I was rushing my daughter out the door to school so I could get a minute alone, I was telling her about them: how the children are so well behaved, everyone is always smiling, they all help out around the house, and they all support each other. I was bemoaning the fact that they are such a happy and loving family- and just look at us. Emily very calmly looked at me and said, “Mom, we ARE a loving family”.
It broke the mood.
It has been said that our children are here to be our teachers. I get that. I also get now how my son felt as a frustrated 4 year old: how you don’t want someone to tell you to behave yourself or to do one more thing. I get how it feels when you are changing and the world is changing and everything that goes with that is scary. I get that you recognize there is this ugly side of you that is also a scary thing and you just want someone to hold you and tell you that you and everything will be okay. In fact, it’s okay no matter how it may appear.
So on Mother’s Day, when my kids pampered me all day, and my son who watches the Food Network as enthusiastically as ESPN fixed for me a magnificent dinner, and the two still at home beamed when they brought out the beautifully decorated cake they had made in my honor, I was able to take it all in. I was thankful not only for the gratitude and love they showed me, but for the lessons they are continuing to teach me about myself and life. I love all sides of them – and myself – dearly. I am grateful to be a Mother and grateful to have these teachers in my life - but I still don’t want 15 more!
